My very interesting blog thing...

You were probably expecting to be faced with a Habbo fansite there, well you would have normally but things change. If you really want to see what is left of the CheckHabbo website then here is the link http://www.checkhabbo.net/index.php.

I am sure you have noticed that CheckHabbo has closed. This is because I cannot run it anymore as it causes more pain than enjoyment. I also have exams and hopefully college soon.

My name is Richard and I am 18 years old. At the time of writing this I lost my best friend who was Nico, who used to own CheckHabbo with me. I am really upset at the moment as I felt close to him but he doesn’t want to be mates with me anymore.

I am quite a confusing person in that I have never really had much confidence; I tend to over react a lot and because of that people don’t like being round me or being friends with me. I am also very shy.

Through my primary school years I had about five friends but unfortunately I lost them, I don’t know why. I can only assume it’s a problem with me. I never made any friends at secondary school. I used to get bullied quite a lot through primary and secondary school I think it’s because I was shy and had no confidence people may have thought I was someone they could pick on.

I also find it difficult to talk to people face to face unless I know them extremely well i.e. family. Although I do find it easy to talk to people online. When I am talking to someone face to face I always seem to go into a stutter. I also seem to panic and I begin to talk really fast which makes what ever I am saying make no sense. When that happens I feel stupid and I feel that the person I am talking to probably thinks I am an idiot so I put up this barrier to defend my self. Maybe that’s why I have no friends from school. That is also why I don’t like talking on MIC - on skype or DJing.

Hopefully I will get into college this year, I got a conditional. I am really scared about going into college its quite far away and I have never travelled that kind of distance before alone. I am also really worried that I may get picked on again. I hope I make some new friends at college but I am scared that if I do I may loose them like I lost Nico and my other friends. I am also scared that if I have a problem at college I have no one to talk to about it, I hate talking to my family about problems.

I am just so confused right now I wish I could change who I am. I hate the pain of loosing close friends especially when you begin to rely on them.

I should actually be studying right now because I have my maths exam tomorrow but I am just so upset and I can’t concentrate and typing all this is in a way helping.

I wish it was possible to change who I am. I wish I could have loads of friends, I wish I wasn’t upset, I wish I wasn’t shy, I wish I was confident. I hate being alone now I hate the pain of being alone and having no one except for family who cares about you.

I just found a picture from the internet. I think this picture describes me really well. When I went to school (I have left now) I used to be alone every single day. People at both my primary and secondary school did not like being round me I think I made people around me embarrassed maybe that’s why I got bullied.

During interval at school I didn’t have anyone to hang around with. Everyone had their own groups where they hung around at interval time. I stood at a wall during interval until the bell went but I got laughed at a lot when I done that because I looked like an idiot. Some times I would stand there and watch everyone else and think to my self, I wish I could be like them they seem so confident and have loads of friends.

During intervals to speed them up I used to either play a game on my phone or pretend to be texting or something, doing that helped stop people looking, staring and laughing at me but some times people would come up and try to make me drop my phone.

I am a strong person mentally but not emotionally. I get upset easily but I managed to stop the bullying from bothering me, it upset me yes but I managed to stop it from being visible. I think 13 years of being bullied has made me a strong person.

I created a Habbo fansite, not because I was crazy about Habbo, it was because I felt lonely and I had no friends at all at that time. I had joined Habbo in 2004 because someone from my school had recommended it to me but I only started to use it fully in 2005 – when this fansite was born. I made this website because I thought it would be a good way to meet new people and make new friends. I have met loads of people through Habbo and the running of this website. Some of the people who I met from Habbo who became my friend are Gareth, Nico, Asad, Connor D, Connor P, Emmy, Kara. Unfortunately I lost some of them.

I met Nico online. I can still to this day remember how. I was outside in my back garden because it was a really hot sunny day. I had my laptop with me. I started to spam MSN asking anyone if they want to work at CheckHabbo. Instantly after doing so Nico pops up asking what jobs there were. I instantly thought oh no not him because he had worked on CheckHabbo before but the website was not managed well at all and because of that he didn’t know what he was really meant to do so he was inactive. But that all changed I got to know him really well and he became my best friend, he became the owner of CheckHabbo with me and he helped so much with the website and myself. Before Nico came to CheckHabbo, CheckHabbo was nothing. Nico made CheckHabbo, CheckHabbo.

I spend every day now at home at my laptop. I sit there watching the screen hoping for someone to just start a conversation. I don’t know but when someone starts a conversation with me I feel needed. But that doesn’t happen often. I get up in the morning and I get ready and then go on my laptop. There can be many days where no one talks to me on msn I just sit there sad and lonely.

I never seem to get really angry with my friends. I think it’s because I don’t like to upset people and that they mean the world to me. Without them I feel the way I feel right now, I lost one. Everyone does wrong in life but what is the point in holding grudges? That’s just wasting time.

I am a really lonely person now and I don’t know where and how to meet new people. Habbo seems to be full of strange people now.

The only thing which makes me happy every day is talking to friends on msn. As I said I don’t have any friends from school all of my friends I have met online. Because of this I am always in my house and I lost the one person who I used to always talk to and have a laugh with. Nico was the only friend which lived reasonably near me. I was excited because he wanted to meet me and I wanted to meet him but I don’t think he wants to meet me anymore.

I just wish I could be different. I wish I could turn back the clocks but I guess that will never be possible. I think I was never to have any friends because when ever I get to know someone and become friends with them I always seem to screw things up. I hate the pain of loosing friends. The thing that has upset me the most is that I have became week again because I have lost a very important friend. Before we met I considered my self really quite strong – I had no friends at all, I was used to being on my own but I met Nico and I began to see how good friendship was again but the pain of loosing that and being alone again is killing me inside. I hate being alone. Nico became my best friend, he helped me with so many things and I am so grateful to have had him as my friend. He helped me with loads of things, from homework to helping me become more confident. Before I met Nico you would never have seen a picture of me or seen me on webcam or even hear my voice. It is because of Nico that I feel comfortable to go on webcam, have short conversations on mic and have a picture of my self for my msn display picture. I wish he didn’t hate me.

I just started to think back at all the amazing good times I have had with CheckHabbo, Nico, Emmy and the CheckHabbo Wind-Up. Thinking back to those happy memories upsets me because they have ended because of my fault.

I am really upset right now.

Maybe I need counselling.

Probably just bored you to death with all that, if you are lonely like myself then feel free to add me on msn [email protected].